He's Not My Friend
by Zanza8
Summary: McKay disappears after a tragic misunderstanding. Can Sheppard find him or will he be lost forever?
1. Chapter 1

Sheppard lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. _"I don't know how you stand that guy. He's arrogant, he's annoying, he's loud...McKay gave up information to the enemy...Sam and Daniel, they start with the geek speak and before I know it, a situation that looked hopeless is back to neat. You know what? They're good for more than talking a mile a minute."_ Cameron Mitchell had not minced words when he came back after working with McKay on the Odyssey and Sheppard was still quietly seething. _"Rodney McKay is not my friend...He's my family."_ That had shut Mitchell up and now Sheppard found himself hoping he never had to see the man again. It was the first time he had ever felt like that about a fellow officer, but he couldn't help it. McKay was too important to him and he made a firm resolution that if his friend ever had to work a mission with Mitchell again, he would be there to run interference. A part of him knew he was being unreasonable and overprotective but at the moment he just didn't care.

The buzzer for his door sounded. He sighed, swung to his feet, and went over to let in his unwanted visitor, putting on his most polite smile when he saw Weir in the hallway. "Elizabeth."

"Colonel Sheppard. May I come in?" He stood to one side and she marched in, turning to him with a face like a thundercloud. "I suppose you have a good reason for not seeing the Odyssey off?"

"I didn't realize it was mandatory," Sheppard said evasively.

Weir's eyes narrowed. "I didn't realize it had to be. You know we always greet visitors and see them off. It's a courtesy but one I feel is important, especially when it involves our top personnel. It's bad enough Rodney wasn't there…"

Sheppard was starting to feel annoyed. "So he already got this speech?"

"No. I'll talk to him as soon as he gets back." Weir pursed her lips. "And trust me, I'm even more displeased with him. Going offworld without even letting me know…"

"That doesn't sound like McKay."

"He went with Major Lorne." Weir frowned. "You mean you didn't know either?"

"No. No, I didn't." Sheppard thought a moment. "Lorne was escorting a botanist and that new nurse to that planet, M-something or other...you know, the one with all the medicinal plants. They wanted to talk to the people who set up a colony there."

Weir said uneasily, "That really doesn't sound like Rodney. Since when does he care about medicine?"

Sheppard and Weir stared at each other for a moment before they were interrupted by an urgent call from the control room. "Dr Weir, Colonel Sheppard, emergency at the gate!"


	2. Chapter 2

Lorne and his team were disheveled and out of breath but all present and accounted for, with one exception, when Sheppard ran into the gate room followed closely by Weir. It was an exception they immediately noted and the colonel bore down on Lorne. "Where's McKay?"

The major shook his head. "He was taken. A raiding party came through the gate…"

Sheppard's face drained of color. "Wraith? Genii?" He had Lorne by the shoulders and was shaking him. "Who took McKay?"

Weir put a hand on Sheppard's shoulder. "Take it easy, colonel." He dropped his hands and she nodded to Lorne. "Go on, major."

"The people at the colony said they're called Malosians. They're…" Lorne hesitated, then went on softly, "They're slave traders. We were able to fight them off and they retreated back through the gate, but they got Dr McKay."

Sheppard clenched his fists. "How the hell did that happen? And just what was he doing with you in the first place?"

"I don't know why he wanted to come along. He's the top scientist, if he says he wants to tag along, I'm not going to tell him no," said Lorne defensively. "It was kind of strange, though." The major frowned. "When we got there, he took off. I wanted him to stay with us but he said he needed some time alone." He met Sheppard's eyes squarely. "I told him if anything happened to him you would have my head on a stick and he said…" Lorne faltered, then went on resolutely. "He said he doubted you would notice he was gone unless there was a disaster Dr Zelenka couldn't fix."

Sheppard felt a jar go through him, like a blow before the pain is felt. Everybody was looking at him and he took a step back, trying to think. He hadn't seen McKay since before talking to Cameron Mitchell, and he'd been upset after that conversation and needed some time alone. It was why he hadn't gone to see the Odyssey off, and hadn't heard about McKay's offworld trip. Now he struggled to form a coherent sentence. "Did he...did he say anything else?"

Lorne shook his head and Weir asked, "John, did you have some kind of falling out with Rodney?"

"No! No, but…does anyone know where McKay was a couple of hours ago?"

"I sent him to get you," said Weir. "I wanted to go over the mission reports from the last month before they went back to Earth on the Odyssey. I just had a couple of questions, but he never found you."

"I was right there in the conference room with Colonel Mitchell. It's possible..." Sheppard swallowed hard. "McKay might have misunderstood something I said." He saw the question in all their faces and raised a hand. "I'm not going to go over everything Mitchell and me talked about. What's important now is retrieving our man." The colonel stuck his hands in his pockets to hide their trembling. He would have thought by now the scientist was over his insecurity, at least where their friendship was concerned, but there had been some real tension between them after McKay blew up a solar system. It had taken time for him to regain Sheppard's trust, and now the colonel felt sick as he realized McKay still doubted himself, still doubted the bond between them. His jaw tightened. When he got McKay back, and he _was_ going to get McKay back, he was going to get it in the scientist's stubborn head that he was irreplaceable if he had to pound it in with a hammer. "Elizabeth, I assume I have a go?"

She nodded. "Of course. Get him back, John."


	3. Chapter 3

_One month later:_

Weir entered the cafeteria, filled a tray, and caught sight of Sheppard with his team at a back table. She fixed a bright smile to her face and went over. "May I join you?"

Ronon and Teyla traded glances and the Athosian woman said warmly, "We have finished eating, Elizabeth, but I'm sure John could use the company."

She left with the big Satedan and Weir sat across from the colonel when she realized no invitation would be forthcoming. Sheppard looked terrible. He had always been lean, but over the past month had grown gaunt, his eyes ringed with shadows. After the day McKay had gone missing, Sheppard had spent every minute searching for his friend, going to planet after planet, pleading and coaxing and even bribing the natives for any news of McKay, and the only information he had gleaned was the Malosians were a new group, formed of refugees from over a dozen planets culled by the Wraith. They had banded together and turned predator to survive and Sheppard retreated within himself when he realized his waking of the Wraith had brought about this new menace to the Pegasus galaxy. Weir spoke to both Ronon and Teyla, but even they had not been able to get the colonel to talk about anything other than the tips he had gathered or the next planet he wanted to check out and they were both worried about him.

Weir took a deep breath, her heart pounding, and said quietly, "I was hoping to have a word with you, John." He just looked at her and she went on, gently but firmly. "It's been weeks and there's still no word."

Sheppard said flatly, "What are you saying, Elizabeth?"

"I'm not telling you to stop looking. I know Rodney is out there and you're going to find him and bring him home." Weir sent up a brief prayer to whoever might be listening that her words were not just an empty attempt at comfort, then went on. "I'm saying that looking for him can't be your only mission. We still have a job to do here. You still have a job to do here."

"I haven't been neglecting my duties," Sheppard muttered.

"No?" Weir regarded him sternly. "When's the last time you slept?"

"I'm not tired."

"You look exhausted, you haven't been eating, you don't talk to your team." Weir swallowed hard. "You still won't let any other scientists go with you offworld."

The colonel's eyes glittered. "No one is taking McKay's spot."

"John." Weir's voice was very soft. "It's only temporary. You need to take someone else with you. Someone like Zelenka, who can investigate any technology you come across. I want you to think about it, and pick a scientist to go on your next mission with you."

"If I don't?"

Weir said calmly, "If you don't, I'm relieving you of your duties until you are capable of carrying them out. Part of your job is taking scientists offworld and I expect you to do just that the next time you go through the gate. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Elizabeth, it's clear," said Sheppard dully. "Anything else?"

"Yes. I want you to go see Kate." Weir held up a hand. "That's not a request. In fact, after you finish eating…" She looked pointedly at his untouched tray. "I want you to stop in and talk to her."

Sheppard poked listlessly at his food. "Whatever you say."


	4. Chapter 4

_Two months later:_

Zelenka stuck his head in Weir's office. "Do you have a minute?"

"Of course, Radek." She smiled and motioned to a chair. "I've been wanting to talk to you."

"I can imagine." He dropped in the chair. "It's about Colonel Sheppard."

Weir leaned forward, concerned. "I thought you were settling in on his team."

"Oh, I am. There's no problem." Zelenka frowned, struggling to find words in English for the concepts he wanted to express. "I mean, there is no problem for me working on the team. They are all good. It is the colonel who worries me. He talks and jokes and even laughs, but there is no smile in his eyes. He does not seem to be… _nevím slovo_ …" He went off into his native Czech, then said slowly…"He is not _present_. Even when he walks beside you or speaks to your face, his mind travels away. He searches still...always…"

"Where is he now?"

Zelenka threw up his hands. "I do not know. Ronon asks him to spar, Teyla asks him to eat with her, he smiles and says thanks no and goes off by himself."

"All right, Radek. Thank you for telling me."

He left muttering to himself and Weir went out, her face thoughtful, to find their resident psychologist. Kate was not in her office but a technician was able to direct Weir to one of the balconies and she found the psychologist leaning on the railing, taking in the ocean air.

Weir walked over to stand beside her. "Taking a break?"

Kate stared out at the water. "This is one of my favorite spots."

"One thing about Atlantis, we have no shortage of beautiful views." Weir took a deep breath. "I know you can't talk about your sessions with John…"

Kate looked puzzled. "What sessions?"

Weir frowned. "I ordered him to talk to you. He specifically told me he was seeing you on a regular basis."

"Ah." The psychologist said delicately, "That explains it. Every day he comes to my office to say good morning." Weir huffed with annoyance and Kate went on quickly, "You can't order a person to go into therapy, Elizabeth. I know the colonel is going through a hard time, but if he doesn't want to talk about it, there's nothing I can do for him."

"I'm just at such a loss. John and Rodney…" Weir fell silent for a moment. "I've never seen two people mesh like they did. I honestly wonder how much longer John can go on like this. I'm really worried about him."

Kate asked sadly, "Do you think there's any hope he'll find Rodney?"

Weir's eyes filled with tears. She couldn't say yes, and she wouldn't say no.


	5. Chapter 5

The team walked through the gate and Zelenka inspected a small monitor he was holding and shook his head. "No energy readings."

"I told you there would be none," said Teyla. "These are simple people with no technology beyond farming tools."

"Like the Genii?" Sheppard asked harshly. Teyla looked at him in surprise and he mumbled, "Sorry."

She traded glances with Ronon and Zelenka, then said softly, "Think nothing of it, John. The village is this way."

Teyla led the way and soon they were walking down the main street of a large village. The buildings were one story, mostly wood with tiled roofs, and the people looked well-fed and prosperous, the women in bright colors and the men in leather coats and high boots. As they proceeded, Teyla heard her name called and a moment later, a tall man with iron-grey hair and an authoritative bearing came to greet her.

"Pullo!" They touched foreheads and Teyla gestured to her team. "I have brought my friends, Ronon, Dr Zelenka, and Colonel Sheppard. This is my friend Pullo, the headman of this village."

The man smiled warmly. "Your friends are most welcome, Teyla, as are you. It has been too long since your last visit." He looked keenly at the colonel. "Is your name _John_ Sheppard?"

"Yes, it is." Sheppard took a step forward. "How did you know?"

"I believe we have someone here who knows you. A refugee from another planet."

Hope flamed up in Sheppard's heart and he caught Pullo by the arm. "Where is he?"

The man pointed to a stone cottage at the end of the street and Sheppard tore off, his team following and Pullo trying to keep up. "Teyla?"

"A dear friend of ours was taken by raiders who call themselves Malosians. We have been searching for him for some time."

"Ah. In that case, it is lucky you came when you did. He has been here for almost a week, but I had no idea who this John Sheppard was."

They went through the door of the cottage and found Sheppard standing there, staring at the person in the front room. It was a boy, perhaps thirteen or fourteen years of age.

Ronon took one look at the colonel's face and touched him on the shoulder. "Sheppard."

"It's not McKay," said Sheppard blankly. "It's not…"

Teyla pushed past him and knelt by the boy. "What is your name?" He swallowed hard, frightened by all the strangers, and she smiled reassuringly. "It's all right. I'm an old friend of Pullo's."

The headman had come into the room and the boy plucked up his courage. "Sandor. My name is Sandor."

Teyla said gently, "I like that name." He smiled shyly and she asked, "Do you know the name John Sheppard?" He nodded and she indicated the colonel. "That is Colonel Sheppard. Can you tell me how you know his name?"

"McKay told me."

Sheppard felt light-headed. "You've seen McKay?"

Sandor looked at Teyla and she nodded encouragingly. "I was in the mines with him. He helped me escape."

"Escape from where?" Sheppard fought to keep his voice calm. "Where is he? Somewhere on this planet?"

The boy looked surprised. "No! I came through the gate."

"From where?" The colonel was almost whispering.

"Odio Locus."


	6. Chapter 6

"So you've never heard of this planet, Teyla?" Weir asked.

The Athosian woman shook her head. "I have traded on many worlds and never have I been to one that used slaves. I have heard of such things, but the people I trade with have very little beyond what they need to survive the Wraith. They would not be good markets for slave traders."

Weir raised her eyebrows at Ronon and he shrugged. "I never stayed in one place long enough when I was a runner to learn about the people. Does it matter? The kid gave us the gate address. We can go in and get McKay right now."

"Sounds good to me." Sheppard said coldly. "If they try to stop us, we'll just blast them."

Weir gave him a look. "I'd rather avoid that if it's at all possible. We have enough enemies."

"You want to make friends with slave traders?" Sheppard's voice rose and Ronon stood up.

"Take it easy, Sheppard."

The colonel glared around the room. "I don't want to talk about this! Let's just go!"

"No." Weir was very calm. "We're not going in there shooting. There has to be another way."

"I believe there is," said Teyla thoughtfully.

An hour later, she went through the gate with Ronon and Sheppard. Word had spread through Atlantis that they were going to rescue McKay and the gate room was crowded with people who wanted to wish them luck. It was heartening to see how many people were there. Not just Zelenka and Carson, but every scientist who had ever worked with McKay, and many of the soldiers, sharing the fervent hope that when the flagship team of Atlantis returned, it would be with their missing scientist.


	7. Chapter 7

Sheppard set down the puddle jumper and turned to Teyla and Ronon. "I don't know about this."

"It will work if you and Ronon play your parts." Teyla smoothed her hair and adjusted her clothes. "Now let us go, and remember who is the master here."

They stepped out of the jumper, Sheppard and Ronon keeping their heads down and walking behind Teyla, who was confronted by a small man in a dirty uniform. "Who are you?"

"My name is Servilia," said the Athosian woman smoothly. "I am a trader and I heard there was a market on this world for goods of this quality." She gestured to Ronon and Sheppard.

The man looked over the Atlanteans and grinned. "They should fetch decent prices. Straight down the road and ask for the governor's mansion. But be warned. You will be dealing with the steward, Mathias, and he drives a hard bargain."

"So do I." Teyla took out a small remote and pressed a button and the door of the jumper closed and locked. The man looked surprised and she smiled. "I have found it useful to remove the temptation for strangers to go into my ship."

They set off down the road, Ronon seething. "This isn't right. People shouldn't be bought and sold like cattle."

"I agree, but this is the only way to get in here without starting a fight," Teyla said quietly. Sheppard was silent and she frowned. "Are you sure you are all right, John?"

He took a deep breath. "No, but don't worry about me. I can handle this."

She traded a worried glance with Ronon but kept walking and after about a quarter of a mile they arrived at the town. It was a big place, almost a small city, with tall buildings and fountains and beautifully landscaped gardens. It didn't look at all the way Teyla imagined a place where slave owners lived would look, and she sensed the same surprise in Ronon, along with disgust. Was it really possible people who had such a fine place to live in trafficked in other human beings when they all suffered from the Wraith? Teyla shook her head, then looked around and found another man in a uniform like the one at the gate. "Excuse me. I am looking for the governor's mansion."

He gave Sheppard and Ronon a long look, then smiled at Teyla. "Buying or selling?"

"Possibly both, if the price is right."

He chuckled and pointed to a mansion across the street. "Over there. You should know…"

"I already do." Teyla smiled pleasantly. "The steward Mathias drives a hard bargain."

She started across the street, followed by Ronon and Sheppard. "Remember, do not say anything or do anything, no matter what the provocation. We must learn where Rodney is before we proceed."

They went up the stairs and Teyla gave her name to the young man at the door, then they were ushered into a small waiting room and after a moment, a richly dressed elderly man came in.

"I am Mathias, chief steward for Governor Agrippa. I understand you have some slaves for sale?"

"Possibly." Teyla crooked a finger and Sheppard and Ronon came forward with a subdued air. "The big one is suitable for heavy work. And this one…" She patted Sheppard on the shoulder. "He can read and write and knows simple math and has experience as a house servant."

Mathias pursed his lips. "How much were you thinking of asking for them?"

Teyla shrugged. "It is difficult to set a price. Perhaps you could tell me what you think they are worth and we can go from there."

"We don't usually buy one or two slaves unless they are exceptional in quality. There is nothing special about these two, although the big one would be good for the mines." Sheppard took a step forward at the mention of the mines and the steward frowned. "This one doesn't seem to be well trained."

Teyla pushed the colonel back. "Yes, it is difficult to keep them in order. That is one of the reasons I wish to sell them." She frowned at Sheppard. "They are not always as obedient as I wish."

Mathias grinned. "We have no problem with that. In fact, I can show you something that may help you with your unruly slaves. Come with me." They followed him out of the room. "I made a purchase a couple of months ago, a man in the prime of life, well-built, strong, supposedly very intelligent."

Sheppard stiffened and Ronon grabbed his wrist in a vice-like grip. Teyla felt sick but managed a polite smile. "It sounds like you picked up a bargain."

"I thought so but he was very difficult. In fact, he was impossible! He complained constantly, disrupted the entire household, refused to cooperate in any way…" Mathias shrugged. "I don't like to beat slaves. It lessens their value. When I have one that cannot be broken, I simply send them to the mines. The overseers there usually get a year or two out of them, so at least some of the purchase price is recouped. This slave...I sent him to the mines expecting to be done with him, and if you can believe me, they sent him back! He organized an escape route for the children and many got away before he was caught. The overseers whipped him and returned him to me and...well, you'll see what we do with such slaves." Mathias opened a door and they went out onto a different street. "It's very effective. Other slaves see this one every day and he serves as an example of what happens if they are disobedient. He's lasted longer than I thought he would, but…"

The Atlanteans stared in horror. There was a post in the middle of the street with a man chained to it. He was laying on his face, his skin burned almost black by the sun, his ragged clothing stained with blood. Then he moved a little and turned his head. It was Rodney McKay.


	8. Chapter 8

Sheppard ran down the stairs and threw himself on his knees next to McKay. "Oh, my God." He pulled his friend into his arms, words failing him as McKay opened his eyes and gazed up at him. There was no recognition in those eyes and after a moment they closed again, but for the moment it was enough for Sheppard to know McKay was alive.

Mathias turned to Teyla. "What is the meaning of this?"

One of Ronon's many concealed knives appeared in his hand and he held it to the steward's throat. "The meaning of this is that's our friend and you're going to cut him loose and help us get him back to the stargate."

"I will do no such thing!" Mathias winced as Ronon flicked the tip of the knife and a drop of blood appeared on his throat.

"Understand this," said Teyla evenly. "We are taking that man. You can help us and live, or I can allow my friend here to use his knife on you. Ronon, there can be no screaming. It is best if we leave quietly."

"No problem." The big man's eyes gleamed. "I'll cut out his tongue first." He took the steward's jaw in his hand and the man cringed.

"No, please. Please…"

"Do you have the keys for those chains?" Ronon waved the knife in McKay's direction and Mathias nodded. "Unlock him."

They went down the stairs and the steward unlocked the chain holding McKay to the post. Teyla touched the metal collar around the scientist's neck. "Remove this."

"I can't." The steward winced as Ronon prodded with his knife, protesting, "It's not locked! It's soldered on." He reached for the collar to demonstrate and Sheppard shoved him back.

"Don't touch him."

Ronon handed Teyla the knife and bent to pick up McKay. Mathias straightened up and she said coldly, "I am not as patient as my friend. I will simply kill you if I think you are going to try attracting attention."

The big Satedan stood, McKay's head lolling against his shoulder, and Sheppard said, "We can't carry him all the way back to the gate without attracting attention."

"Do you have transportation?" asked Teyla. "A wagon?"

Mathias cringed as she raised the knife. "We have transport carts."

Teyla smiled. "Get one."

They drove to the gate, Ronon sitting beside the steward and Sheppard and Teyla in the back with McKay. The scientist had not moved or spoken since being removed from the post. He lay quietly with his head in Teyla's lap, his breathing irregular, and once or twice he moaned faintly when the cart jolted him, but they reached the gate in silence.

The man in the dirty uniform saluted as Mathias climbed down, Ronon right beside him with the knife pressed to his side. "We don't often see you here at the gate, sir."

The steward nodded curtly. "I am escorting these people. They are important traders and Governor Agrippa wishes to establish good relations with their world."

The guard looked bewildered. "I thought the woman was going to sell these two men."

"Screw this." Ronon's fist shot out and the guard crumpled, then he swung the steward around. The man cowered and Ronon threw him to the ground. "Stay there and I won't hit you." He went to get McKay and carried him over to the jumper as Teyla opened the door, then they took the scientist inside and tried to make him comfortable on the bench in the back.

Sheppard did not follow them and Teyla frowned. "Go see what is keeping the colonel."

Ronon went outside just as Sheppard pressed a button on a remote. The top of the DHD blew off and Ronon staggered back. Sheppard stood there, observing the destruction with a cold satisfaction, and Ronon hesitated, then touched him on the shoulder. "John…"

Sheppard whipped around and for the first time since he had met the colonel, Ronon felt afraid of him. There were demons in his eyes, fighting to get out, and the Satedan took a step back.

Teyla had come to the door of the jumper and when she saw the damage she ran down the ramp. "What have you done?" She met Sheppard's eyes, and like Ronon, for the first time she felt afraid of the colonel.

He spoke and his voice was rough with the effort not to scream. "No one is ever going to trade slaves here again."

"You've trapped us on this planet!" Mathias was kneeling, staring with horror at Sheppard. "Are you crazy?"

The steward cowered as Sheppard advanced on him and Ronon and Teyla grabbed him. "John, you have to get Rodney back to Atlantis," said Teyla fiercely. "What's done here is done. Rodney is very sick. Do you understand? He needs you."

The colonel shuddered and turned towards the jumper, then pulled free of his friends' hands and ran inside. Ronon glared at Mathias. "You should go before he comes back." The steward gulped and ran to the cart, jumping in and whipping the horses into a gallop. Ronon grinned. "He won't stop until he gets to the city."

"And then he will send troops after us." Teyla headed for the jumper, shutting the door as soon as she and Ronon were inside. Sheppard was standing next to McKay, staring down at him, and she pushed him towards the front. "We need to go, John. We need to go now!"


	9. Chapter 9

Beckett came out into the small waiting area, his face grim. They were all there, Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla, Weir, even Zelenka, and he saw the apprehensive expressions and managed a smile. "It looks much worse than it is. Some cuts, and when I...removed...that collar…" He suddenly felt dizzy and reached for a chair, falling into it as they gathered around him. "How anyone could do that to another human being…" Beckett's voice broke and Weir and Zelenka patted him on the shoulder, while Teyla knelt next to him.

"We are all struggling to understand," said Teyla gently, "but I do not think it is something we could ever grasp."

"I don't want to grasp it," said Ronon gruffly.

They sat back down, waiting patiently while the doctor pulled himself together, and after a moment he smiled a little. "All right, let me try again. Extensive bruising, and sores on his neck under the collar, and cuts on his back where he was whipped." Beckett faltered at the last word, then continued, his voice gathering strength. "The wounds are infected, but he's responding well to antibiotics. He's severely dehydrated, and I've been replenishing his fluids. And they…" He took a deep breath. "They starved him, but that's nothing a few good meals won't fix."

Sheppard's face was white. "I want to see him."

"He's heavily sedated, man! He won't even know you're there." Beckett sighed as the colonel ignored him and headed for the back. "Aye, well, maybe that's best. He hasn't been doing so good himself, it might help them both if he just sits there with Rodney."

"So what's your prognosis?" asked Weir.

"Physically, there's no reason McKay shouldn't make a full recovery. In fact, once I get his electrolytes balanced, he can go to his own quarters. He'll have to continue the antibiotics, of course, but I don't foresee any complications. Emotionally, that's another story. He could have a long road ahead of him."

Sheppard heard the murmur of voices as he pulled a chair over to McKay's bed and sat down, staring at the face on the pillow. A number of monitors registered blood pressure, oxygen levels, the steady beat of McKay's heart. It was a reassuring sound, that soft beep, and Sheppard concentrated on it and tried to let it drown out his thoughts. The pain of seeing McKay like this, his body wasted by starvation and abuse. The guilt of knowing it was all his fault. The fear that his friend might not be able to put this experience behind him. Sheppard took one of the scientist's thin hands and held it tightly, wanting to plead for forgiveness and unable to find the words.


	10. Chapter 10

McKay opened his eyes in the darkest part of the night, fear coursing through him during that moment when he didn't recognize the infirmary, then he realized where he was and relaxed. He felt a pressure on one of his hands and peered at it, his breath catching as he saw Sheppard's hand clutching his. The colonel had dozed off next to the bed but even in his sleep he retained his grip on McKay's hand. The scientist hesitated, then gingerly tugged his hand free, hoping not to wake Sheppard.

At the first gentle pull on his hand, the colonel's eyes popped open. If there was one thing he had learned in the Air Force and had reinforced in the Pegasus galaxy, it was to wake up quickly and completely and now he leaned forward. "Rodney? How you doing, buddy?" The scientist just looked at him and he faltered, then asked, "Are you in any pain? You want me to get Beckett?"

"No." McKay's voice was very hoarse and he licked his lips.

"Are you thirsty?" Sheppard poured a cup of water and offered it.

"I'm fine. What are you doing here, Colonel?"

Sheppard frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…" McKay paused, gathering his strength, then looked directly at Sheppard. "You don't have to sit with me."

"I'm not here because I have to be, McKay. I'm here because I want to be. Look, have some water." He held out the cup again and McKay tried to take it but his hands were shaking too badly to manage it and Sheppard had to help him.

The scientist gulped the water. "Thank you. You can go now."

Sheppard thought of his conversation with Cameron Mitchell and the one part of it McKay had overheard and he steeled himself. "Rodney, I know you heard part of what I said to Colonel Mitchell but you misunderstood it and..."

McKay swallowed hard. "You said, and I quote, 'Rodney McKay is not my friend.' That's a pretty clear statement, Colonel. You don't have to explain it. In fact, I'd rather you didn't."

"I admit it's a clear statement if you didn't hear everything I said!" Sheppard's voice rose. "After everything we've been through, you still don't know…" He stopped. He had never been good with words, and now with McKay looking at him with eyes as sad as an unloved dog he couldn't think, and how the hell had they gotten to this point? The colonel was almost shouting as he went on. "How could you take off without even asking me about what I said? Don't you trust me at all?"

McKay's heart rate and blood pressure had been rising since Sheppard woke up and now an alarm went off and less than a minute later Beckett arrived. "Here now, what's all this?" The doctor came up to the bed, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, glaring disapprovingly. "You're awake, Rodney! That's good. And I see Colonel Sheppard is keeping you company." His eyes met Sheppard's and the colonel was reminded of what a forceful person Beckett was behind that mild kindly exterior. "You're not upsetting my patient, are you?"

"He was just leaving." McKay closed his eyes.

Sheppard started to protest and Beckett took his arm. "Let's just leave Rodney to his rest, shall we? You could use some rest yourself." He escorted the colonel to the door of the infirmary and pushed him outside.

"Beckett, I have to talk to him!"

"You weren't talking, you were shouting, and he's not in any kind of shape for that right now." Beckett folded his arms. "Just give him some time, son. It'll all get sorted out."


	11. Chapter 11

"I really don't see how this is going to get sorted out." Beckett shook his head. "I couldn't get anything out of Rodney, and I wasn't about to tackle John. Something's gone wrong between them and it's serious enough that Rodney asked me if I could keep John out of the infirmary."

"That bad?" Weir asked nonchalantly.

"Aye, Elizabeth, it's that bad! And if you don't mind me saying, you don't seem properly concerned."

"Carson, how is Rodney now? Physically?"

"Well, I was going to release him today. His electrolytes are back to normal, his vitals are strong, he's eating well, but it's his mental state I'm concerned about."

"So he can go back to his quarters?"

"Well, yes, but as I said, I don't know if that's such a good idea right now."

Weir touched her earpiece. "John? Report to my office immediately."

"Elizabeth, I don't think you've grasped the situation," said Beckett exasperatedly. "Even if the colonel talks to you, that's not going to help with McKay."

"Just trust me, Carson."

The sun was low in the sky when Beckett took Sheppard to McKay's quarters and had to endure the scientist giving vent to his outrage. "Carson, where are your medical ethics? Isn't there something in your voodoo about respecting the wishes of sick people?"

"You're not sick, Rodney." Beckett placed two chairs next to a small table. "Have a seat, John."

Sheppard sat with a downcast expression, avoiding McKay's eyes, as the doctor set a box-like device on the table. "Now let's see...once this is done, we just put these…" He placed electrodes on the colonel's head and stood back to admire his handiwork. "Perfect. Now you sit here, Rodney…"

"Forget it." The scientist scowled. "I don't know what you're up to, Carson, but I want you both out of here immediately."

"Oh, will you just shut up already!" Beckett pointed to the empty chair. "Elizabeth is on her way and she'll explain everything when she gets here, so you might as well stop wasting my time."

McKay sat with an injured expression and allowed Beckett to hook him up to the machine. "I'm going to file a complaint with every branch of the government I can."

"That'll be grand then." Beckett finished with the device just as Weir walked in.

"Are we all set, Carson?" The doctor nodded and Weir looked sternly at the two men. "It has come to my attention that two of my most valuable assets on Atlantis, my military commander and my chief scientist, have been adversely affected by recent events. I spoke to Colonel Mitchell weeks ago, Rodney, when you first went missing, and we are now going to try a little experiment he suggested to remedy the situation. This is a device SG-1 discovered on a recent mission that stores memories. It doesn't just replay them, it lets the person using the device experience the memory as if it were their own. You two are going to relive a memory that Colonel Mitchell recorded."

McKay glared at Sheppard. "Are you just going to put up with this?"

The colonel glared back. "Yes."

"You have no problem with this?"

"No."

Weir smiled at Beckett. "Go ahead, Carson."

The doctor took a deep breath, pressed a button, and Sheppard and McKay began reliving the memory of Colonel Mitchell's conversation with Sheppard after the Odyssey returned to Atlantis.


	12. Chapter 12

_Cameron Mitchell walked into the conference room and tossed the lemon to Sheppard. "Worked like a charm."_

 _"Told you." Sheppard grinned. "So McKay pulled off a miracle for you?"_

 _Mitchell sat down. "I wouldn't go that far. He helped, but I would rather have Sam. She's just as smart and a lot nicer to have around." He shook his head. "I don't know how you stand that guy. He's arrogant, he's annoying, he's **loud** …"_

 _The smile faded from Sheppard's face. "Let's take a walk."_

 _Mitchell looked surprised but got up and followed Sheppard out to the control room. Sheppard stopped at the panel overlooking the stargate. "This is where McKay died." Mitchell frowned, puzzled, and Sheppard continued. "The first time."_

 _"Oh, right. I read some of the mission reports on the way here. The whole expedition was killed, except for Dr Weir. She went back in time and set up a failsafe with one of the Ancients to save the city the second time around."_

 _"That's right." Sheppard touched the panel. "The first time, McKay stayed here in the control room while it flooded, working till the last second to open the puddle jumper bay doors." His eyes met Mitchell's. "I was in a jumper, trying to get away. McKay drowned trying to save my life." Mitchell shifted uncomfortably and Sheppard started down the stairs, gesturing at the stargate. "He almost died here from an entity the Ancients captured and left in a box when they abandoned the city. You can imagine how angry and hungry it was when it escaped. It ate power. It would have killed us all, but McKay lured it through the stargate by throwing a naquadah generator into the wormhole."_

 _"I read about that too," said Mitchell. "He had a personal defence shield."_

 _"Yes, he did, but he didn't know if that shield would protect him. It almost didn't. The entity completely drained it and for a minute, it looked like we had lost him. He was shot here too, through the gate. A Wraith stunner, full in the face." Sheppard smiled and the smile didn't reach his eyes. "You might say a stunner, even in the face, isn't so bad. Maybe you'd be right, but it's not an experience I would wish on anybody. That happened because our position had been betrayed to the Wraith. The number one suspect was the Athosians and some people thought it was Teyla. McKay...as soon as he was back on his feet, he devoted himself to finding the truth. He was the one who cleared Teyla and found the Wraith transmitter she was wearing. She just thought it was a necklace, and I was the one who activated it. Good thing McKay figured it out."_

 _"Look, Colonel…"_

 _Sheppard was staring at the gate. "We got caught in it once. The puddle jumper's engine pods didn't retract and it got stuck in the gate. Thirty eight minutes until it shut down. I was pretty out of it. An Iratus bug got me and I was down with the damn thing sucking the life out of me. Even if I'd been unwounded, I wouldn't have been able to help. It was a technical issue, beyond my expertise. Beyond McKay's, too, but he managed to get the pods retracted in time for the jumper to go through and save the lives of everyone on board."_

 _He turned and started up the stairs again and Mitchell followed him. Sheppard walked out on a balcony. "The Genii invaded the city once."_

 _"I read about that too. McKay gave up information under torture."_

 _Sheppard's eyes glittered. "Can you say for **sure** you wouldn't have done the same? I can't. I don't think anybody can. He was hurt and scared and he still threw himself in front of Elizabeth when the leader of the Genii force was about to shoot her. He had a moment of weakness, but he's not a coward. It takes a brave man to be that scared and get the job done, and he saved the city that day. Again." Sheppard leaned on the balcony railing. "You came on the Odyssey but you know about the Daedalus."_

 _Mitchell tried again. "Colonel, if I was out of line…"_

 _Sheppard ignored him. "McKay saved the Daedalus too. A Wraith virus invaded the computer and sent us straight for a sun." He shook his head. "I had to pull off some fancy flying on that trip, but it was McKay who got rid of the virus and saved all our lives."_

 _"You know, I **get** it," said Mitchell impatiently. "He's your scientist and he figures out the tough stuff and he saves your butt when the chips are down. I've been there. Sam and Daniel, they start with the geek speak and before I know it, a situation that looked hopeless is back to neat. You know what? They're good for more than talking a mile a minute. I know they have my back in a fight."_

 _"McKay's had my back in a fight," said Sheppard quietly. "I was trapped in a virtual reality world on an Ancient ship, with the Wraith closing in and Caldwell ready to pull the plug. That might have killed me, and anyone who went in after me, but McKay didn't let that stop him. He came in to get me and bring me back."_

 _Mitchell said grudgingly, "Okay, I have to admit that's impressive. Still, **virtual** reality…"_

 _"He's been there for me in the real world too." Sheppard stared at the water. "I was attacked by a Wraith and just as it was about to finish me off, McKay got there and started shooting. He ran out of bullets, but he stood his ground." Sheppard turned to Mitchell. "I probably shouldn't have given you the lemon. I know McKay doesn't make a good first impression…" He shrugged. "Or a good hundredth impression with some people. I thought if you felt like you could tease him, you might like him a little better. Guess I was wrong."_

 _"Colonel Sheppard, I want you to know that whatever I think of your friend, I wasn't hard on him," said Mitchell stiffly._

 _Sheppard looked surprised. "I didn't think you were. And Rodney McKay is not my friend." He paused for a long moment, his eyes boring into Mitchell's. "He's my family."_


	13. Chapter 13

Sheppard and McKay came back to reality at the same moment. Beckett and Weir had left the two men alone in McKay's quarters and they peeled off the electrodes without a word, sitting quietly for some time before McKay finally broke the silence. "Don't I feel stupid."

"You don't have to," said Sheppard quietly. "This whole thing was my fault."

The scientist got up and went outside to his balcony and after a moment Sheppard followed him. "I didn't really mind about the lemon."

Sheppard leaned on the railing. "It seemed like such a good idea at the time. You're right about Stargate Command. They don't give you the time of day but when something goes wrong, they scream for you to save them and then they don't even thank you."

"You noticed?" McKay leaned on the railing next to his friend and they stared out at the water.

"I noticed." Sheppard's voice was low. "And this time…" He struggled to find the words. "I know you can take care of yourself but I wasn't going with you and I was...I don't know. You've worked with Sam, and I thought if Mitchell thought you were okay…"

McKay smiled a little. "You didn't have to worry about me. I don't really care if people like me or not, as long as they work with me. I was just fine on the Odyssey."

Sheppard took a deep breath. "I should have had more faith in you. When Mitchell brought that damn lemon back and said that stuff, I wanted to take his head off. I should have done that, instead of saying what I did."

"If _I'd_ had a little more faith in _you_ , it wouldn't have mattered." McKay sighed. "You may not believe this, but before I came here, I didn't have any friends."

Sheppard chuckled. "Is that so?"

"Yeah." McKay smiled. "Some people find me hard to get along with. And finding friends here, people I care about, who care about me...sometimes it's hard for me to believe it."

Sheppard turned his head. "Do you believe it now? Because when you were gone, when I thought I'd never see you again, I...you're…"

McKay looked over at his friend. "Same here, John. Same here."


End file.
